i'm thinking and i'm considering just giving the gifts i bought to the salvation army since i really have no desire to connect with my mom or sister. my mom feels too entitled to take accountability for damage that SHE was responsible for and just assumes if it's swept under the rug (so to speak), it'll just disappear. until it's time for me to be hooked up to a colostomy bag on account of irresponsible, selfish, negligent parents who really shouldn't have been allowed to reproduce in the first place. i'm sure my brother would agree with me. it's almost like i'm rewarding her for her irresponsible, selfish actions which have been the cause of at least TWO of my past abdominal surgeries SO FAR (i'm sure i'll have to have more because they assumed i was done with my bowel problems after the first perforrated bowel when i think i was 11 or 12? until my recent bowel blockage). my mom grew up entitled not to take responsibility for things- so she just assumes this is the same. i'm assuming my grandma felt responsible for her disability because she was born with the umbilical chord around her neck.. well guess what?! I AM NOT YOUR MOM. TIME FOR SOME TOUGH LOVE. THE ROLES ARE REVERSED- YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MY PARENT. my desire to speak to her is fading when i think about how she SHOULD HAVE done EVERYTHING possible to remove me from the situation when my dad was obviously angry and i'm assuming drunk. that's not a safe environment for a toddler to be.. my mom was more concerned about herself though (that's how narcissists operate and i remember from my reminscing dreams.. she was like holding me in front of her as a sign to my dad he should settle down but his drunkiness kinda disabled him from acknowledging the reality of the situation and he kicked me while aiming for my mom because my mom used me as a shield- she'll probably say she was trying to show him that i was there, so he should calm down or some garbage but a REAL CARING PARENT would have done EVERYTHING to protect her daughter and removed her from the situation.. NOT MY MOM! she was raised to be too entitled to take accountability for this shit (i remember my grandma telling me this story and CONVENIENTLY ignoring to mention my mom's duty of making sure her daughter was safe)). besides, i don't really have any desire to speak to my sister because i know she'll assume we're KEWLIEZ SISTAS and call me all the time- getting in my business and trying to threaten my boyfriend again (like she did to zack when i was going out with him and his dumbass just hit on her because he's a chubby chaser and she gave him a boner after she sent him a picture of her- which he asked for).
i was also thinking about how black people seem more accepting to mexicans/brown people than white people are because MANY of the events i've been to that were hosted by black people- they ALWAYS managed to specify and INCLUDE us- "black AND brown people.." when making speeches. i grew up in a small town with white people being the majority and they NEVER mentioned "brown people" or mexicans (unless they were maybe bitching about them in a racist fashion). i'm pretty sure i could pull off a black person in the summer when the sun tans my skin and the bracelet fredrick gave me to wear is from kenya and i remember a few people in new york and boston asking me if i was kenyan because that was their flag. i smiled and said, "no. my pca is. he gave it to me because i thought it was cool." when a person GROWS up around white people, you'd assume they'd be leaning towards white people more but i've always felt discriminated against because i was darker. it's also one of the reasons why i've never had the desire to live in this state. say wtf you want to excuse white people's ignorance or minimize the effect this had on me but I know the shit i've experienced- YOU DON'T. new york and boston are much MORE diverse. so with that said- i suppose it's fitting that i've been going out with a black guy for at least 3 or 4 months i'd say. i don't catch the judgmental remarks from him like i did from a few of my past ex-boyfriends who were white. i'm not sure why white people find themselves entitled to be judgmental of anyone different than them, as if they're better than them because they're whiter than them. oooo you'll get burnt BEFORE me! there's something to be proud of. there's a good chance you'll be the minority (if you're not already) soon, so can it.
i'm going to my spanish class in like an hour. i figure- if i get deported for some reason, i'll at least be able to communicate with people that i'll most likely be deported to. seeing as my family have shown absolutely NO concern for my citizenship status and a bunch of them are grump supporters. hopefully this starts to *click* with me soon because i feel like i know what most of these words mean when i see them- almost like remembering. i kinda doubt that i'd remember all the way back to spanish classes in high school but i've also had a few other spanish classes before in my life. my mom doesn't care about my citizenship.. just as long as she gets to look like a victim when her oldest daughter is deported! i KNOW my sister can't copy me with these frustrations. she was born in minnesota.. i remember going with my grandma to visit my mom in the glencoe hospital when that little devil was born. i don't remember my brother's birth but i remember seeing my sister as a baby. my brother is only 2 years younger than me though.. so that's more than likely why.
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